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There’s One Word to Describe Table 87’s Freezer Jumbo Slice…

October 23, 2019

One could say I’m on a bit of a pizza exploration, specifically for NY-style pizza with Table 87– my absolute favorite style of pizza.

You’ve probably already read the review about Roberta’s and thought maybe I’ve had enough of freezer pizza.

But I haven’t.

For 4.99 a slice you can have the taste of Brooklyn

Because on days where I’m as lazy as a college student after finals, I’d much rather throw a slice of pizza in the oven or warm leftovers in the microwave and have dinner in 10 minutes.

Or, pay Door Dash to bring me a cheeseburger.

Besides, when you see a pizza charging $4.99 for a slice you expect the product to be superior to the rest.

So Table 87 pizza was on my plate the same day as Roberta’s.

“Back-to-back like on the cover of lethal weapon”, a wise man named Drake once said.

Just imagine my surprise when I saw the Shark Tank phenom, Goldbelly-NYC transplant laying right next to the infamous Roberta’s pizza.

After years of spreading throughout the U.S. through +200 stores, Table 87 finally made its way to Whole Foods in D.C.

I bagged two of the Margherita slices.

I drove home like I’d robbed the bank, driving away with a bag full of riches.

But really I was the one robbed.

Let me explain.

I didn’t flinch when I saw the $5 price tag, but in post-eating, this is the stuff made of second-hand embarrassment and bad decisions.

Table 87 doesn’t have the same cult-following as Robertas; their popularity comes from the TV Show Shark Tank, where they appeared a couple of years ago.

A brick-and-mortar NYC pizza joint wanted to turn a trick in the freezer business for a 2 Million dollar evaluation.

They had big sales at their location and across stores, huge; super promising, indeed.

Sounds like a slice made in heaven?

If only the pizza, didn’t taste of an unpeppered rice cake.
If only I didn’t feel totally duped into buying soggy cardboard, topped with gummy mozzarella cheese.

If you haven’t figured it out already, Table 87’s coal pizza is… TRASH.

Total. Utter. Trash.

I implore you to turn the other cheek, avoid the freezer aisle all together if you have to.

You are better off stocking up on Amy’s pizza.

Or driving 30 miles along I-95 and stopping off at some rural gas station for pepperoni pizza served from under a heat lamp and where the cashier talks with another employee the entire time you’re checking out.

At least you know what sort of mediocrity you’re getting.

I wouldn’t serve this to the rowdiest of toddlers during break time. No one deserves to experience pizza in this fashion, no matter how inferior their taste is.

Table 87’s Coal Jumbo Slice, from the freezer to the oven. The result is depressing.

450 Degrees & 7 minutes later, I got a pizza as lifeless and limp as a forgotten carrot in the back of the refrigerator.

Even after I let the pizza sit for a minute longer for insurance, there was no crisping, no bite.. nothing.

I finished it because I didn’t want the money to go to waste.

The mozzarella came browned and blitz, and I think a 450 degree blasted in the oven only ruined it further.

It was FLAT. It was CHEWY, and the milky essence of fresh mozzarella was lost completely.

Your mozzarella is house-made, right?

Why are we charging people 5 dollars for already melted cheese? Put fresh mozzarella on your pizza and let the consumers do the melting in their ovens.

Here’s the problem.

There’s no love, there’s no passion.

The guy — Thomas Cucco’– has a lot of passion and I’m sure the pizza at brick-and-mortar deserves the fanfare — though, I can’t say this in confidence — where you can see the burning of the wood, and the dough performs tricks mid-air.

But this freezer variation tastes as if it has been churned out in a factory with robots and second-rate ingredients.

For $10 dollars a slice on his website, I pity the pizza enthusiast whose only option is to have this pizza shipped to their home.

The audacity of the price is almost too unreal to believe: $79 for 8 Jumbo Slices, $149 for 16 Jumbo Slices.

The pies cost around the same for maybe 4 slices out of each.

The entire operation feels like a sham.

Need social proof? check out a few of these reviews on Amazon or search around the web.

Save your money.

I do have one pro: the packaging is cool.

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Asiah G.

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